Why hello there! As this is a one-sided discussion, I’ll do away with common courtesies such as asking you how you are etcetera. Instead, I think I’ll just tell you how I am – you know, just in case you’re DESPERATE to know my current state of being.
Right now, I’m stoked. I’m writing my first blog. I am also currently listening to the soundtrack of ‘Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception’ which makes this feel like the most epic and important thing that I have ever written or will ever write. Thankfully, my girlfriend has just told me that it isn’t, and is actually sad. I can’t get past just how obviously wrong she is.
Anywhoms (Yeah, it’s a word. …Now.) much thanks must be given to Matthew ‘Anne’ Teague and Bree ‘Me Gusta’ Yeomans. Now that they’ve given me access to this blog and I’ve given them new nicknames, I feel we are once again equal, the balance restored. Now all of my introductory waffling has been waffled, I feel it’s time to greet the meaty next course of this blog, which is of course the first ever subject I have ever tackled. Or related to food for that matter. I feel like I have to impress you all with this initial blog to get you hooked like a squirming, dying fish (I may need to look at improving my analogies). And so, without further ado, delay, waffling, fish deaths or ‘other’ – I present to you the topic/ better title for my virginity-breaking blog*:
‘The inevitable conquest of the world – Brought to you by Apple’
By Matthew Tyler
I don’t know if you’ve noticed lately, but society today seems to be based on one thing: consumerism. We’ve all heard the quote from the family-friendly romp ‘Fight Club’ (if you haven’t, it’s called Youtube. Look it up, loser. Yeah, you heard me). And no, not the line
‘With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.’
Instead, I speak of Brad Pitt’s depressingly home-hitting take on society:
“We're consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.”
The writing is spot on and scarily true. This is from a movie that was released in 1999 based on a book released in 1996 – 16 years have passed (yeah, I know math, what of it?) and the words of an imaginary man are still more poignant (yeah, I know words and stuff, what of it?) than ever.
In 1996, I was in Year 6 at St Mark’s College in Pt Pirie. Internet still revolved around your dial-up modem churning out a bunch of screeches and whistles (which would go on to be known as Dubstep) and phones were things that hung on your walls or sat placidly on your benches. Skip forward to present day: the internet is virtually inescapable, like a digital fog and phones are the new-age swiss army knives. Apple aren’t the only reason for this, but they sure as hell haven’t helped. You may have noticed, I’m not happy with the way society’s turned out, but I’ll discuss this at a later date in an ‘everything was better in my day’ rant/ blog. Back to hating the future!
Let’s get this straight – I don’t hate Apple’s products. They’re aesthetically pleasing. They’re functional. They’re user friendly. Initially, my problem was of a ‘hipster’ persuasion. I hated them because everyone had one. How were you supposed to stand out in a sea of iphones? How was your phone choice supposed to define you (speaking of that whole ‘consumerism driving society’ thing) when EVERYONE had your phone?
I chose the Blackberry 9800 to set myself apart and am currently reaping the consequences as my shitty, shitty phone gradually develops phone emphysema or whatever and splutters its way out of existence. I have suffered with it for the last year and a half but I stand firm that I will NOT buy an iPhone.
YOU SHOULDN’T START THE NAME OF YOUR PRODUCT WITH A LOWER CASE LETTER! IT IRKS ME! CONSIDER ME IRKED!
Grammatical nonsense aside, my sister unknowingly justified my dislike for Apple products through a flippant remark about how the corporation seem to keep getting caught for trivial things like child slavery, abuse and horrid working/ living conditions – but no-one cares as long as they have the latest i-whatever. JUST TAKE A MOMENT THERE ALL OF YOU PEOPLE READING THIS WHO OWN APPLE PRODUCTS – one day, there’ll be a ‘Blood Diamond’esque movie made about Apple products.
Getting to my actual point – I swear to GOD I am. Really – I have come to realize that I don’t actually hate Apple’s products, just like I said before. Even through the orange haze that is my forcefield of distrust and negativity, I can see certain valid arguments as to why Apple products are… good. (I shudder typing that.) In fact, you may remember, I listed some above. It’s just that I’m going to swat all of these arguments far over yonder hills with my baseball bat of hatred because when it boils down to it… my problem is with the USERS.
The user. The guilty-until-proven-innocent idiot that their products are designed for in the first place. You see, they will come at my house on the hill in their masses with their pitchforks of bias and torches burning with conformity (oh HA! I KNEW there was a hipster inside of me somewhere!), screaming about how their iPhones, iPads, iPods, Apple TV, iCats, iMueseli Bars and generally lower iQ (see what I did there? If you have an iPhone, you probably don’t) is making the world a simpler place. That all of those things are now – for some reason – essential. These dildos will preach with a straight face about how their lives have been made so much simpler thanks to the introduction of these things.
HOW THE FUCK DID WE EVER GET ALONG WITHOUT THEM BEFORE!?
Sorry. I’ve regained my composure. The song from the Uncharted soundtrack just peaked in unison with my rage. It was potent.
But seriously, god forbid us having to read a map from a book to get somewhere! I hope the day never returns when I have to learn the name of a song I just heard on the radio by waiting for the DJ to SAY IT! How will I plan my day without the schedule app? What use to me is this thing that adorns my lap with its primitive ‘qwerty’ keyboard? I understand that having these things condensed into one product is a convenience, at best. But don’t preach to me about how your life is forever changed by it. I’ve had a guy talk to me of the convenience he found in searching online for a brochure… when the ACTUAL BROCHURE was sitting in front of him on the coffee table!
To the people that connect all of their products – made with fresh blood, sweat and tears of nimble children’s fingers remember – and act as if Apple products are the only ones that use cloud sharing technology; to everyone acting like they’re professional photographers now they have an app that ACTUALLY DEGRADES the quality of the picture; to the people that haven’t fully grasped the concept of acceptable grammar but can damn sure fling an angry bird or two – I shake my head. You worry me.
My worry is that no-one seems to care that these things are entirely unnecessary; that we got along just fine without them, but through clever marketing and sheep-like mentalities, we’ve gobbled them up and placed them on golden pedestals. My worry is that these products and the way they are becoming integrated into society will eventually replace your brains.
But don’t worry.
There’ll be an app for that.
*Most of what I am about to write is not researched thoroughly – if at all. It is not meant to offend in any way, and I apologise if it does. It’s only meant to pique your interest and be all… cool and stuff. Also, I can justify my judgemental nature because I’m perfect and make no mistake.
